Looking for a brother....

*opens blog*,bats flies out,dust's cobwebs,roaches creep out! PHEW!!!! I know it's been a long time and it's starting to look like I've lost my creative juices(HELP!!)

     I've had davido's song ASSURANCE playing in my head all day! My version is 'I am looking for a brother,'somebody my lover'.In actual reality,I'm so much of a Miss independent,Miss handle my own stuff but it gets tiring atimes if you can relate,if you can't,my friend off your phone light and getoutttttt(in kora obidi's voice) just kidding I need you to finish this story!

    Lately I decided to put myself out there again and I must say,it hasn't been easy!!!! Haaa,Lagos men are wicked! Is it the one that started giving me attitude because according to him I don't look like my pictures(which is a first for me).I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry,or if this was just some sort of flimsy excuse,or if I was truly looking like karishika in real life and fine mulato on Instagram.

   Another bros,his wife gave me a rude awakening! A whole human being wife oh! Apparently he has been married for three years and successfully hid it from me(please don't ask me how,once I see fine boys my senses go to sleep),he should have atleast told me so I'll decide if I want to  be a second wife or not voluntarily! 

    So many instances I can give but let me keep quiet before it starts to look like my village people are behind my Matter.I know for sure I have my shortcomings and I've used my stubborn head to chase away some good potentials, but it hasn't been easy.Finding a partner in Lagos is very tedious,especially when you are looking in the wrong places like social media!

   If you are single and you live in Lagos,please join this queue,or perhaps I start a dating site *kikikiki* Gone are those days men stop women on the road to get their number,or get their numbers at public functions! They prefer to do their shopping on social media.This makes it hard for the average Lagos chic to find something reasonable I guess.. 

     Who else misses the old fashion way of meeting new potentials? Did you meet bae on social media? Would you rather want someone out of social media or from social media,or you are part of the 'anyone oh as long as there's someone to cuddle' gang! Who else gets disappointed when they find a fine guys profile,you start liking his pictures,start forming wedding hashtag in your head and how to shoot your shot,then BOOM! You find a picture of his bae,with his long epistle..wo I would harvest my likes back,I'm that petty... Looks like every eligible and willing to get serious man is taken! 

     Whatever your option is my brethren,give your self time to grow and think about what you really want,frantically looking for a bae so you guys can stunt on the gram together can be a bit risky! Companionship is beautiful,love is sweeter but it's better to be alone than to be taken for granted or asking 'what are we' every two-two days from your supposed man,or sharing your woman with three other men. Date for you,date for your own happiness.... 

CHECK THE CHEQUE

  There's a popular saying that 'Awoof no dey run belle' but atimes awoof(free things) can purge you if you are not careful.                                                                                                                                I could be spontaneous and adventurous but I know people with more degree In these things than i do.Here's a similar but different story to my post on 419 BUSINESS.                                                       A friend of mine was bitterly gisting me about how she thought she had hit jackpot! Rewind to few months back,she was at the mall in ikeja to get some stuffs when a guy in Suit looking corporate,with a slight but noticeable limp(lowkey describing him incase he comes your way) walked up to her and asked her if she needed money and that he could help her out.At first she said she was confused,but at the sound of money she had a rethink.Guy said he could spare her 300 thousand naira(a whole 300 grand babe was already spending money in her head).As she was about to put up an argument,the guy just gave her his business card and told her to think about it then give him a call.                            Fast forward to a week time,she was having sweet dreams of how to spend the supposed money.She finally gave in,decided to give the man a call.She asked him what he wanted in return and he smiled over the phone.His reply was 'you are not a baby na,just make me happy'.They agreed on a meeting point so he could explain to her how the whole thing works.                                                                    When she got there,this man claimed to be a banker and convinced her that there's a way he could write her a cheque of 300 thousand naira and the bank won't notice.She said she was somehow confused but he was very convincing and even promised to follow her to the bank to cash the cheque.She felt since he was following her there was no harm in trying.                                               The man got a hotel room,time for action started and he pulled out a very cheap Nigerian condom(i bet we all know this brand) it was from there she was convinced she just made a bad choice.After the whole grinding,truly he wrote a cheque of 300 thousand naira in her name,but he started giving excuses on how he had to be somewhere so bad,he gave the girl two thousand naira as transport fare,he then told her to either come again the next day so he could follow her or she can easily go on her own.                                                                                                                                                See ehn my people,to cut the long story short she came back to thank her stars she wasn't thrown behind bars for tendering a fake cheque,even the man was nowhere to be found.Atleast she got two thousand out of the 300! In my head I was screaming HOE!!! but i try my best in life to be non-judgmental.                                                                                                                                             In life,when some opportunities arrive and they seem too good to be true,its probably not TRUE.We should all be careful of the kind of opportunities we embrace..Stay safe in this wicked world.                                                                                                                        

JOURNEY TO BECOME

        Yass!!!!!! I'm back (or so I think sha).....Is this the point where I apologize for the break in transmission or what? oh well,lets just say I've been on a confusing Journey to Become..                     To be honest I'm at a point in life where I dunno where I'm heading and I bet I'm not alone in this condition.Do you ever have this feeling that you will 'hammer' but you just don't know how and when? Well, drag a sit and welcome yourself to the crew.People like us are not lazy we just don't like to stress our-self,but what we often forget is that life itself is stress(this is me struggling so hard to motivate myself).                                                                                                                                       The crave to 'hammer' is so deep that at one point I'm in cotonou buying okrika to come and sell in Lagos,I'm learning make-up artistry,I'm writing a blog,I even learnt bridal hair-styling and oh let's not forget I still have a Bsc in Psychology!!! so its safe to say I'm a Psychologist,business woman,blogger,makeup artist,and hairstylist,but baby girl still haven't hammered! To be honest with myself,i figured out I lack consistency and that intense drive,I just want to hammer but I am not willing to really work for it(don't be like Oreoluwani when you grow up)                                               My conclusion is this,only me can help me! Let's just say I'm trying and pushing myself towards greatness! People around you can only do a little to support you,but if you are not willing to push harder,there might be a little bit of hiccup.Well unless you are planning to marry a rich alhaji or finding a sugar mummy that will always pay the bills,then feel free to not be motivated.                       Find something you are good at,be consistent,pray and anticipate greatness.....

MY FUNNY VALENTINE

    *singing* Falantine(Valentine) is coming!!! Finally we are in February after what seemed like a never ending January,and I can already see all kinds of Valentine memes and people saving up to wow their lovers.I have never really celebrated Valentine or gotten reasonable gifts so I don't usually look forward to the dreaded 'February 14'. The date made me remember a particular Valentine that made me cry from the bustop to my house...
        I was in secondary school preparing to write my senior WAEC,I had this boyfriend that was way older than I was(have always had a thing for older guys) he was in his early 20's and obviously he had more experience than me.He would Come see me at home almost every weekend because my mum believed they can't impregnate any of her daughters under her roof,so she preferred people coming over(all na wash we still smooched ourself under her watch).I didn't even know if I was in love or I was just excited about having 'an experienced boyfriend'.Valentine was approaching and the excitement was increasing because I knew I was going to get a Valentine present at last!
        The 'D day' finally came and fortunately it was on a weekend! No school!!!!! I woke up early,had my bath,rubbed my white powder with lipgloss and black lip liner to go with a dash of pink lipstick to add flavor to it! I sat down waiting for my Prince Charming.Finally he came with the goody bag,I literarily yanked it off his hand! It contained a perfume,a pack of underwear,a flower vase with fake flowers in it and a bar of chocolate.My face flushed and a black girl like me was blushing,I hugged him and hugged the gifts more.We talked a bit and we agreed to see later in the day he said he was gonna take me to 'Mr biggs'.I begged my mother to let me leave the house and she finally agreed after so much swearing and promises.
        I ran to my wardrobe and tried picking out something to wear,I remember he said 'don't wear red and white like a small girl oh' so anything red and white was out of it.I finally got something to wear and embarked on my Valentine journey.He gave me a bustop to wait so he'll come pick me up,when I got to the bustop I called his number like 20 times before his friend finally picked the call! I asked where he was and his friend said he was coming to pick me up.Few minutes later his friend appeared and told me to follow him,we passed Mr Biggs this boy didn't stop oh,but I couldn't talk till we finally got to our destination and I saw guest house on top! I thought to myself 'ore today na today they will snatch your virginity here today' my heart began to race.When we got to the bar,His friend asked me what I wanted to drink and I sharply replied 'nothing' I just kept asking about my boyfriend.My boyfriend finally appeared holding the key to a room.I just laughed inside me.He asked me to follow him to discuss somethings(I just thought to myself who be mumu) I told him whatever he wants to discuss can be discussed outside there.He kept on insisting and I got angry and told him I wanted to go home.While all this convincing was going on,I noticed his friend was just acting tensed and going out and coming in.As I was about to leave he told me to wait outside so he can drop the key,just right outside the guest house,I saw another girl all dressed in red,white and gold with heels and gold purse! Something just told me she was there to see 'our boyfriend' so I moved closer to her and said hello.She replied me back and she had the thickest female voice have ever heard,I told her my name she told me hers,I Introduced myself as my boyfriend's friend and asked her if she was his girlfriend,She shyly said 'Yes' with love written all over her.Obviously,Mr boyfriend had satisfied himself sexually before I came that's why he couldn't pick my call! He came out and met us talking,and I was just there holding back the tears,immediately he came I dusted my slippers and was heading home he was trying to chase Me and all he said was 'ehn when you said you are a Virgin nko' that was when the tears rolled down and I don't even know how I got home,I went home with tears and when my mum saw me she thought he had raped me.I explained to her and she just laughed and said 'welcome to the world of men'.Few days later I discovered the package he brought had my name written on it,obviously he was sharing gifts that day and didn't want to mix it up!
     My dear sister does your boo belong to only you? Your lover should show you love on a daily basis but Valentine's Day should add a little flavour to the relationship.Just incase u'll be spending Valentine's Day in your father's house glued to your phone don't worry you are not alone we are in this together.Just incase you are single don't worry your turn too will come,with a true and genuine Valentine with the man that loves you.
 P.S-you can start mailing in the Valentine's presents....

YORUBA 'DEMONESS'

      I am quite certain we have all seen a truck load of memes about 'Yoruba boys/demons',every meme with different hilarious and relatable content.Truth is,every man/woman has a special demon within them.Some of us decide to unleash our demon everyday while the rest of us decide to bring it out only when needed..See everybody screaming Yoruba demon and forget to remember there's also the silently dangerous counterpart! The Yoruba DEMONESS!!!
    My friend has been dating his Yoruba girlfriend for over two years,the first year of the relationship was filled with various romantic activities,social media flaunting and the rest of all those other things you'll want in a standard relationship.Fast forward to the half of the second year,things began to change,distance set In,lack of communication and understanding,they would fight and argue at every little thing.Insecurity became their watchword.Families were already involved in the relationship and they seem inseparable.Little by little madam started deleting her boyfriends picture from her social media page.She would delete and readd him again on her BBM and one would think everything is back to normal.While they were back on their pretence normalty,she mentioned her wanting to go on a vacation out of the country later that year,and her boyfriend started making plans of how to contribute financially to the vacation.Then came the shocker,she finally dropped the bombshell,she told him she was no longer interested in the relationship and everyone should go their separate ways,my friend obviously didn't see that coming because he broke down into tears! One would think that was the end of the action film,he woke up the next day to find out his girlfriend already left the country barely 24hrs after she left him! As if that wasn't enough bad news for one day,two weeks after,she announced her engagement! People started calling my friend to congratulate him and he was confused about what was going on.People around them thought he was the one that proposed to her,meanwhile it's another bros entirely!
    Now how's that for a Yoruba DEMONESS! I just sat down in my head wishing I could interview her and ask her different questions! For how long as she been seeing the other guy for her to agree to marry him? Was she getting older and couldn't wait for my friend? Was she out of love with him already? Or was it just pure wickedness! Male/female.Igbo/Yoruba/Hausa anyone is capable of hurting us! But Yoruba boys surely have a way of dancing disco with your heart,show you love and kick you to the curbs!!!!!!
  P.S-my friend has already vowed to become a Yoruba Demon too,so please anywhere you see him flee.....

MIND YOUR BUSINESS

     Happy New Year my fellow adventurers!!!!!! Yes my year just started officially..whoop whoop *drumroll* ok enough of the serenre..I was just lying down and this interesting story popped up in my head again.I bet you can't wait to read it,busy body!!!! This particular incident happened in a state University in Nigeria...
      Just like every girl likes to be hooked up with the 'innit' 'I just got back' boys,this babe wasn't left out..Friend A has a brother that just got back from the states,and decided to hook her brother up with friend B.Friend B finally met with the brother and they started their supposed love journey.The babe already had different ideas of what she'll use the dollars she'll get from her new boo to get,but unfortunately Mr 'I just got back' turned out to be a stingy rat!! Overtime,madam began to loose interest until they got into a thick argument.During the course of the argument,bros called friend B a 'hoe',apparently this didn't go down well with madam and out of anger she started spilling the dirty tea.She went as far as revealing to the brother all the dirty things his supposed innocent sister does behind closed door,and that he has no right to call her ashawo! That's how the brother took it personal oh,he called a family meeting and his sister was embarrassed in front of the whole family!
    Friend A got angry,and planned a revenge with other friends for friend B.On a hot sunny afternoon(atleast I'll like to imagine the sun was really shining),friend A and her crew stormed into friend B's hostel,they invaded her room and tore her cloth to pieces,they beat her up and proceeded into making a video of her NAKED(trust me I watched this video oh).She was commanded to open all her 'office' and a close shot of it was taken.The angry girls then decided to put out the video for everyone to enjoy! Trust Nigerians na,that's the kinda thing we like..within a short period of time the video went viral,from students,to lecturers,to security guards even indigenes around the school,and at last the admin section of the school! Ghen ghen..things just got real!!!!
      The perpetrators were summoned and a panel was setup..after much scrutiny,the girls were found guilty..the university authority decided to rusticate them all..the one that pained me most was the girl that wasn't involved in the beating and videoing,but all she Did was bump into them in the room and screamed 'haa see punani' she was rusticated too! Friend B had to leave the school out of shame and that was the last anyone heard about her..
       There is something called 'the girl code' no matter how angry or what ever situation you find yourself you shouldn't break it!! Think well before carrying out some actions,the consequences might  end up in a disatrous manner! Did Friend B even deserve such treatment? And above all learn to mind your business....

HOW TO BE A 'LAGOS BIG GIRL'

 All hail my Lagos big girls...All hail the 'not so big girls'(I think this is where I belong)...In this context am not talking about Lagos 'Fat' girls,am talking about the highly influential and sociable girls.They are the ones that get invited to all the fancy parties and know all the super cool people! Have you been craving for this kind of lifestyle? Do you want a colourful Christmas? Do you want that rich Bobo on your Instagram page to notice you? Would you like to be a LBG(Lagos Big Girl) calm down o jare,you just need to have certain things put in place and in this post I have highlighted some of the important things you need..
    -A wardrobe Change:This is highly essential,you don't want to end up been invited to an outing or showing up in public looking like a highly devoted deeper life church member! You want to be classy and attractive.Pack all your money,starve yourself enter a boutique and shop away.Afterall,the result would be desirable right? If possible sef incure debt while doing the shopping(some 'big girls' buy cloth on credit don't be deceived).The higher your debt,the higher your big girl status...
   -An Accent:Looking good is not enough you have to sound good.Open your mouth and let everyone stare.You need an Accent! American,British,Italian,French,German.,anyone you desire but not a Nigerian accent!! Apparently,Nigerian accent is too razz for a big girl you don't need it! You don't need to leave the country before you can acquire an accent it's not that expensive,watch a couple of oyinbo movies and you are good to go! Even if you gbagaun nobody will notice because your accent will cover it up.A lot of LBG do this you hear..
  -A good hair:To complete your look,you need one or two of those hair that flows like water(oh this is on my Christmas wish list too) that kinda hair that will be soft and flying everywhere.Brazillian,Filipino,Peruvian,Argentinian,horse hair anyone! Sha let it reach your bumbum and let it flow like water..By their hair you shall know them! With a good hair even from miles away people can spot you..If you are planning the LBG transition with a friend,you two can contribute money to buy a wig so you can share between eachother(don't be shy most LBG's it's borrow borrow make me shine they are doing) ..
   -Fleeking Makeup:You need to learn how to draw eyebrows well like you used a compass and ruler,it has to be on fleek,learn how to highlight and contour.A couple of MAC lipsticks(you don't wanna open your makeup purse and let this roll on kinda lipgloss they use in the 90's pop out of it na) you must always be on fleek! Even if you are going as 'mogbo-moya' to an owanbe,you have to be fully caked up,if possible go to a makeup artist sef(you never know when Mr Rich will pass)...
  -Change your Location:You can't be living in ikorodu(i grew up here Mehn),Ketu,ojota and be doing LBG! My friend move to the island! Even if you will contribute with five other girls to live in a single room In the boys quarter,Do It!! Go to exotic places,clubs,cinemas,bars and the rest!Nobody will know that's where you are coming from after you are all dressed up with your accent to go with it.
  -24/7 mobilization:You need a steady cab man,Even if you get called at 2am you need a reliable cab man that would take you there,he must be willing to go anywhere with you,even if it's in the Devils yansh! A cab(since you can't afford a car yet) makes your entrance more elegant,you can't just stroll into a place with your 'legedis benz' looking like an aimless person! Also,you need a cab man that is understanding so that he will understand when you can't pay him instantly too...
  -Elevate your social Life:Be on all social network! Instagram,snapchat,Twitter and the rest! Start following existing LBG's,famz them well! Like their pictures,tell them they are pretty and on fire even if they look scary,say sweet things,call them boo/bae and leave all those cute love smileys under their pictures.With time they will notice you and you might as well be invited to one of their lavish dinner parties! Just like that,you don hammer!!!
    You can follow the steps above to become a LBG or you can just save yourself all the stress and embrace yourself the way you are,no stressing No forming! Whoever would love you,would love you just the way you are regardless of all your flaws.Remember,Only God is Perfect...l